PURVEYOR OF FINE WORDS

July 26, 2002

July 26 2002

Tuna tahini!

Pregnant Women Should Avoid Tuna is the latest advice from our all-knowing government. It’s bad enough that people like Johnny Fat-Ass choose to eat unhealthly foods—now the government is telling people that too much healthy foods like tuna are also bad for you! What is funny though, is the obscure associations that have been brought to light here: the US Tuna Association, and the National Food Processors Association (who knew?). I now suspect the the US Fishermans’ Nets Association and the National Tin Can Tab Manufacturers Association will form an alliance and launch a PR offensive against the United Flame-Broiled Burger Patty Association and National Beef-Flavored French Fry Group to try and regain public confidence in tuna-related merchandise. And I believe it will involve some sort of mascot.

Do you feel lucky?

July 26 2002

Blame everyone else!

Several people have alerted me to the recent lawsuit against fast food companies for making people fat—a good follow up to my previous post. Apparently, Johnny Fat-Ass was completely unaware that fast food is unhealthy, thus claiming he was, “misinformed by the food chains and were tempted into choosing fatty, sugary and salty foods which caused their bad health.” Again, I must point out that the Onion had posted an identical satire piece on suing Hershey’s back in 2000, but does not sound very far-fetched by today’s standards.

Since, nothing appears to be off-limits anymore, I am petitioning people to join me in the following class-action lawsuits:

— A suit against AOLTimeWarner for lost wages because I watched TV instead of studying, not reaching magna cum laude, and consquently not landing the six-figure McKinsey job I was supposed to get.

— A suit against McKinsey for discriminating against me because of my grades.

— A suit against Tampax for emotional duress because they didn’t tell me that “four-wall protection” was only for women, thus causing the most traumatic embarassment of my life when a tampon fell out of my shorts while I was at the pool.

— A suit against Saturn for leading me to believe that their dent-resistant panels meant that my friend could run me over with a Saturn, causing me to be harmlessly bounced to the ground (making a great tape to send into Jackass)—when in reality I broke all my bones and was confined to an artificial lung for 3 years.

You may contact my representation, Jim “The Hammer” Schapiro.

Do you feel lucky?

July 25, 2002

July 25 2002

Bushwhacking

John Scalzi suggests that President Bush try not talking for a while so that our economy stabilizes. I’ll second that.

Do you feel lucky?

July 23, 2002

July 23 2002

You mean it’s not "nucular"?

Bush’s approval rating drops amid scandals. At long last, the American public is beginning to see that Dubya is not a man fit for the presidency. Let’s see, it only took a recession, budget deficit, the failure to capture Bin Laden, repeal of nuclear arms ban, severe ineloquence, and finally, ties to corporate scandals to have an effect on his rating. The administration knows it too—that’s why they’ve turned to: slogans!

San Francisco looking to grow pot. City officials are considering using public land to grow pot for medical marijuana users, in response to increased federal crackdowns on marijuana clubs. I’m starting to see why San Francisco has the highest restaurants per capita.

Girls pregnant at 11 years old. Andrew sent me this article, in shock that Australian girls seem to be more out of control than American girls. Andrew also is in shock that America hasn’t yet collapsed into a black hole from the collective weight of its own stupidity—but that’s an issue for him and his therapist to deal with.

Do you feel lucky?

July 23 2002

Stupid Hacks

Second gripe for the day: Stupid CSS workarounds and hacks to placate IE5.x and Opera. Why is it that this kind of bloated workaround is being floated around the internet? Sure, it’s pretty clever, but ultimately a waste of time. The web is supposed to be a paradigm of “survival of the fittest”—not this half-assed “let’s be kind to Opera” crap. If your browser can’t handle today’s web pages, then you should switch to something that does. Who cares about all the extra doodads when it can’t render pages properly?

Do you feel lucky?

July 23 2002

Wannbe Snapple

Diet Lime Green Tea Snapple is not a substitute for regular Lime Green Tea Snapple. It is as much a substitute as liquid smoke is to a real charcoal fire, and I hope that this diet version will suffer a gigantic inventory surplus and be summarily taken off the market.

Do you feel lucky?

July 17, 2002

July 17 2002

iPod

Apple has seen the light! The new iPods now support Windows. They chose to include MusicMatch, which may or may not be a good thing (I’ve never used it, but I’ve heard mixed reviews). I’m curious as to the fate of MediaFour’s xPlay product in light of Apple’s new partner.

Do you feel lucky?

 

Reading

Viewing

Linking

  • A list of 100 skills every man should know. The annotated version of the list starts here. My dad taught me almost all of the skills you should teach your kids.

    (link)

  • Anytime is a good time for a well-cut movie trailer mashup: here's The Dark Knight version of the Toy Story 2 trailer. (via buzzfeed)

    (link)

  • One of the most popular events of the annual New Yorker Festival is Calvin Trillin's food-oriented walking tour of SoHo, Greenwich Village, Chinatown, and Little Italy. According to the New York Times, one of the tour's favorite destinations is Banh Mi Saigon Bakery, also one of my top lunch destinations.

    Standing outside, dipping his roll into peanut sauce, he said he liked to eat standing up. "If I couldn't eat in a four-star restaurant again, it would mean nothing to me," he said. "But if someone said I couldn't eat any more cilantro, I would be very upset."

    (link)

  • The Big Picture has a selection of photographs from Yann Arthus-Bertrand, who is the answer to the question "hey, who takes those amazing aerial photos of all these different places on earth?" Many more images are available on Arthus-Bertrand's web site and in his many books.

    Some of these photos are coming to NYC in May 2009 in an exhibition in Battery Park City.

    (link)

  • Remember the fun we had reading about this root beer tasting a few months back? The #1 root beer from that tasting, Sprecher (from Wisconsin), is now available on the root beer section of the menu at Ssam Bar. My Moscato d'Asti-addled brain forgot to get a bottle to go when I was there last, but I'll be back for you soon, Sprecher.

    (link)

  • We've seen personal annual reports, but now Christopher Doyle has devised a set of personal identity guidelines for himself.

    The image above is from a spread marked Full Colour Vertical_Private. The following 'key identity formats' are, of course, Full Color_Vertical, Full Colour Seated_Casual and Full Colour Seated _Formal.

    The incorrect uses are hilarious.

    (link)

  • David Friedman of the excellent Ironic Sans blog took some photos of a Kentucky denim factory that distresses jeans for high-end designers.

    I used to scoff at paying a premium for jeans that come with holes in them already. Then I saw just how much work goes into distressing jeans, and I realized that these people are artists. You can't just have any loose threads, you have to have the right loose threads. They can't just be faded. They have to be the right color. A lot of work goes into making these jeans look just right.

    (link)

  • A photographer talks about how he edits his photos and collects editing approaches from other photographers as well.

    You usually have a hunch, but the great thing about photography is that it's so unpredictable, so you never quite understand how and when a good photograph comes about. But when editing, I do contact sheets, then machine prints and then select from that.

    And when asked what makes one image stand out more than another, is it emotional or an intellectual reaction he answers: "It must be intuitive. If it were intellectual, I'd be able to explain what happens. That's why I'm a photographer. I express myself visually, not verbally.

    Two main themes emerge: 1) take some time off from your images in order to evaluate them more fairly, and 2) edit with an outside party, someone you trust to be tough but fair. (via conscientious)

    (link)

  • The New Yorker devotes the entire Talk of the Town section in their latest issue to their endorsement for President. As you might guess, Obama gets the endorsement and John McCain receives no quarter from the editors. The key part of the article concerns the candidates' possible appointments to the Supreme Court and their consequences. A more conservative court scares the shit out of me.

    (link)

  • A new study suggests that HIV jumped from apes to humans around the turn of the 20th century, which coincides with the development of colonial cities in sub-Saharan Africa.

    HIV was and remains a "relatively poorly transmitted" virus, he said, so the key to the success of the virus was possibly the development of cities such as Leopoldville in the early 1900s.

    The large numbers of people living in close proximity would have allowed more opportunity for new infections.

    "I think the picture that has emerged here, is that changes the human population experienced may have opened to the door to the spread of HIV," he said.

    (link)

  • Evan Roth has been putting metal plates with messages and symbols cut into them into his carry-on luggage when he goes through security at the airport.

    Here's Roth's idea, which he calls "TSA Communication" and tells me has already made it through three trial airport runs: Take a metal plate, stencil and cut out a message -- words or an image -- place the plate at the bottom of your carry-on bag, and watch what happens as the TSA employee operating the airport X-ray machine notices ... or doesn't notice.

    So far, he's used plates with outlines of the American flag, a "NOTHING TO SEE HERE" message, and something he calls The Exact Opposite Of A Box Cutter, a plate with a box cutter shape cut out of it.

    (link)

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