PURVEYOR OF FINE WORDS

July 26 2002

Tuna tahini!

Pregnant Women Should Avoid Tuna is the latest advice from our all-knowing government. It’s bad enough that people like Johnny Fat-Ass choose to eat unhealthly foods—now the government is telling people that too much healthy foods like tuna are also bad for you! What is funny though, is the obscure associations that have been brought to light here: the US Tuna Association, and the National Food Processors Association (who knew?). I now suspect the the US Fishermans’ Nets Association and the National Tin Can Tab Manufacturers Association will form an alliance and launch a PR offensive against the United Flame-Broiled Burger Patty Association and National Beef-Flavored French Fry Group to try and regain public confidence in tuna-related merchandise. And I believe it will involve some sort of mascot.

Do you feel lucky?

July 26 2002

Blame everyone else!

Several people have alerted me to the recent lawsuit against fast food companies for making people fat—a good follow up to my previous post. Apparently, Johnny Fat-Ass was completely unaware that fast food is unhealthy, thus claiming he was, “misinformed by the food chains and were tempted into choosing fatty, sugary and salty foods which caused their bad health.” Again, I must point out that the Onion had posted an identical satire piece on suing Hershey’s back in 2000, but does not sound very far-fetched by today’s standards.

Since, nothing appears to be off-limits anymore, I am petitioning people to join me in the following class-action lawsuits:

— A suit against AOLTimeWarner for lost wages because I watched TV instead of studying, not reaching magna cum laude, and consquently not landing the six-figure McKinsey job I was supposed to get.

— A suit against McKinsey for discriminating against me because of my grades.

— A suit against Tampax for emotional duress because they didn’t tell me that “four-wall protection” was only for women, thus causing the most traumatic embarassment of my life when a tampon fell out of my shorts while I was at the pool.

— A suit against Saturn for leading me to believe that their dent-resistant panels meant that my friend could run me over with a Saturn, causing me to be harmlessly bounced to the ground (making a great tape to send into Jackass)—when in reality I broke all my bones and was confined to an artificial lung for 3 years.

You may contact my representation, Jim “The Hammer” Schapiro.

Do you feel lucky?

July 25 2002

Bushwhacking

John Scalzi suggests that President Bush try not talking for a while so that our economy stabilizes. I’ll second that.

Do you feel lucky?

July 23 2002

You mean it’s not "nucular"?

Bush’s approval rating drops amid scandals. At long last, the American public is beginning to see that Dubya is not a man fit for the presidency. Let’s see, it only took a recession, budget deficit, the failure to capture Bin Laden, repeal of nuclear arms ban, severe ineloquence, and finally, ties to corporate scandals to have an effect on his rating. The administration knows it too—that’s why they’ve turned to: slogans!

San Francisco looking to grow pot. City officials are considering using public land to grow pot for medical marijuana users, in response to increased federal crackdowns on marijuana clubs. I’m starting to see why San Francisco has the highest restaurants per capita.

Girls pregnant at 11 years old. Andrew sent me this article, in shock that Australian girls seem to be more out of control than American girls. Andrew also is in shock that America hasn’t yet collapsed into a black hole from the collective weight of its own stupidity—but that’s an issue for him and his therapist to deal with.

Do you feel lucky?

July 23 2002

Stupid Hacks

Second gripe for the day: Stupid CSS workarounds and hacks to placate IE5.x and Opera. Why is it that this kind of bloated workaround is being floated around the internet? Sure, it’s pretty clever, but ultimately a waste of time. The web is supposed to be a paradigm of “survival of the fittest”—not this half-assed “let’s be kind to Opera” crap. If your browser can’t handle today’s web pages, then you should switch to something that does. Who cares about all the extra doodads when it can’t render pages properly?

Do you feel lucky?

July 23 2002

Wannbe Snapple

Diet Lime Green Tea Snapple is not a substitute for regular Lime Green Tea Snapple. It is as much a substitute as liquid smoke is to a real charcoal fire, and I hope that this diet version will suffer a gigantic inventory surplus and be summarily taken off the market.

Do you feel lucky?

July 17 2002

iPod

Apple has seen the light! The new iPods now support Windows. They chose to include MusicMatch, which may or may not be a good thing (I’ve never used it, but I’ve heard mixed reviews). I’m curious as to the fate of MediaFour’s xPlay product in light of Apple’s new partner.

Do you feel lucky?