Several people have alerted me to the recent lawsuit against fast food companies for making people fat—a good follow up to my previous post. Apparently, Johnny Fat-Ass was completely unaware that fast food is unhealthy, thus claiming he was, “misinformed by the food chains and were tempted into choosing fatty, sugary and salty foods which caused their bad health.” Again, I must point out that the Onion had posted an identical satire piece on suing Hershey's back in 2000, but does not sound very far-fetched by today's standards.

Since, nothing appears to be off-limits anymore, I am petitioning people to join me in the following class-action lawsuits:

— A suit against AOLTimeWarner for lost wages because I watched TV instead of studying, not reaching magna cum laude, and consquently not landing the six-figure McKinsey job I was supposed to get.

— A suit against McKinsey for discriminating against me because of my grades.

— A suit against Tampax for emotional duress because they didn't tell me that “four-wall protection” was only for women, thus causing the most traumatic embarassment of my life when a tampon fell out of my shorts while I was at the pool.

— A suit against Saturn for leading me to believe that their dent-resistant panels meant that my friend could run me over with a Saturn, causing me to be harmlessly bounced to the ground (making a great tape to send into Jackass)—when in reality I broke all my bones and was confined to an artificial lung for 3 years.

You may contact my representation, Jim “The Hammer” Schapiro.